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From: LEEFINKLE@aol.com
Subject: [Illusions] Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
Date: 2 Jan 1999 11:26:13 -0500
To: visited@onelist.com

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<< Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
 
 PERSONAL HYGIENE
 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 
 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
 
 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
 
 
 DINING OUT
 
 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 
 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
 
 
 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
 
 1.  A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
 
 2.  Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
are.
 
 
 DATING (Outside the Family)
 
 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 
 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:  "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I 
 read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
 
 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say
10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school 
 on time.
 
 
 THEATER ETIQUETTE
 
 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
 
 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.   Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
 
 
 WEDDINGS
 
 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 
 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 
 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
 
 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
 
 
 DRIVING ETIQUETTE
 
 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
 
 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
 
 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
 
 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
 
 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
 
 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
 
 TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
 
 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
 
 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 
 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 
 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 
 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. >>


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